Introduction
The idea of traveling to a different country during my last year of school was a thrill. I focused on my schoolwork, got great grades then finally it was time to go into the real world. I met a guy and had a great job, so why would I consider leaving to another country when I have everything possibly imaginable to be happy? All I wanted in life was to feel loved. I craved it all the time. I did not need to receive love in return, giving it my all and throwing all my energy in the relationship was enough for me. Nothing wrong about being in a relationship and loving another person with your whole heart, looking past all their problems and flaws. Little did I know, this would destroy my reputation and scar me for the rest of my life.
Background
My first memory of childhood is holding my mommy's hand, big smile, so exited, first day of school. My parents did not have a perfect marriage, or should I say normal. I remember constant yelling and fighting every night until one day my mom said we were leaving. I was happy, we would finally escape the emotional abusive environment. I turned to my mom for comfort, my brother turned to drugs. After my parents separation my dad was never around and I guess I did not want to accept my new step mother and her three kids.
I was always quiet, kept to myself. I started writing love poems at the age of 13, not that I knew what love was, but the kind I read about in fairy tales and wanted to believe in. I believed in a lot of things, my mom being on the top of my list. One thing we never had too little of was our love for each other.
Life carried on, I didn't pursue any relationships through high school. My dad and his wife had a baby when I turned 18. As if I didn't resent her enough for taking him away, she was now pregnant during my final exams and last year of school. She had a baby girl, my little sister who in time would steel my heart and bring me closer to my father.
A few weeks passed when I started dating Jesse. I had started work at a law firm where I took every opportunity possible to learn more. After a few months I wanted to experience working at a different law firm in a different environment. My new boss was smart, funny and happily married with a little boy and a baby on the way. I wanted to learn a lot more than just Mortgage Bonds and Deeds Office's. He gave me the opportunity to learn about Litigation. After a few weeks he made it clear he wanted an affair. I was worried that I would lose my job if I did not play along. This relationship did not go further than the occasional "touching and feeling" so I thought "I can live with this, I know it's wrong, but who am I in this big crazy world to speak up"? The awkward relationship between my boss and I made me feel guilty.
My boyfriend was always depressed and wrapped up in his own world. We dated for three years. The day came when I called everything off. "Everything will be alright" i remember thinking to myself, but the shocking reality hit me a few weeks later when I realized I was in terrible danger and I became afraid. I knew sooner than later I would either be in a mental institution or die.
Professional issue
My boss looking for more than a secretary was a little too much too handle. The situation started affecting the quality of my work and I soon lost interest. At the same time Jesse was acting strange and looking for every excuse imaginable to get back together. He had called my workplace a few times a day until the receptionist eventually refused to answer the telephone because Jesse had threatened her in order to put his calls through. My boss agreed to be my attorney in order to get a Court Interdict. I did not want him involved because Jesse knew about the affair and I did not want it coming out in court. My interdict was granted and once again I thought: "all my problems are solved now". He proceeded to stalk me.
For months Jesse begged me to make a sex video with him and I granted his wish making him promise to deleted it like it never existed. When he agreed and later on told me it was gone, I had to reason not to believe him. Three months after the interdict got approved my whole life got turned upside down. A mail arrived. I was speechless, I cried. There, right in front of me was a poster with naked pictures plastered everywhere. The subject contained my full names, home and work addresses and phone numbers. Later that day found out was forwarded to all my clients and friends and other attorney firms all over our part of the country. I was devastated and felt my whole world crushing down. This was the end of my career. I could not handle the humiliation or anxiety any longer.
Personal issue
The time came to change all this, I had no idea how to escape. A deep whole fell in my heart. How was I going to do this?
He broke into my house, when I got home he had taken the bread knife, cut up all my teddy bears and had thrown all their insides everywhere on my bed and on my floor. I walked in seeing all the mess and him sitting on my bed, smiling, with the knife still in his hands asking me where I had been. He smashed my phone against the wall, I thought "tonight I'm going to die". Instead of screaming I told him that I missed him and I want to work on fixing things. I was afraid of him. When he finally left my house I locked myself in my room. The next day I made it clear that if he ever came near me again I would have him arrested.
A week passed by and I got a text message from Jesse. "I have ordered my gangster friends to rape you and attack you, be aware of your surroundings and be extra careful when you're alone". This was when I quit my job. Few more days passed and another beep on my phone: "Dude, I have no idea how to tell you, but I just found out I'm HIV positive. How am I going to tell her?" How much more could one person take? I called my best friend in tears. "I have to get tested right away, please come with me to the hospital". I got my results back, they were negative. A week later I was told it was him looking for attention. Hoping to provoke some kind of reaction. I had him arrested. I locked myself in my house, closed all the windows and never wanted to gates or doors unlocked. I remember clearly my mom telling me "if you keep this up I'll have no choice but to send you to a mental institution." I had panic attacks and constantly screamed about everything.
I had to be strong. I moved to a different town and moved in with my dad. After 3 months I finally felt ready to face the world.
I believe I made the poor decisions in my relationships because I did not know better. Yes, I knew things were wrong.
I applied to see the world, explore a different country. Making a change, taking a chance has made me realize nobody can change who I am inside and only I control my dreams and future, I should not give someone else the opportunity to crush me. God loves me for who I am and He helped me focus on my future. I feel blessed to have a mom like I do, she's always there for me and I'll always be grateful. I needed her push, the harsh words, she gave it with love and out of all this I have learnt that no matter what, family and God can carry you through anything if you give them the chance. I know I'll be going home to face all this again, I still am scared of him and believe if he gets a chance he'll hurt me, but I can not live in fear forever. It has to stop sometime right?