I am a survivor. Mine is the story of resilience and transformation – finding self-worth and success against the odds of a childhood riddled with abuse. Twenty-five years after leaving home, I pinch myself to verify that what I've achieved is real! I’ve achieved a successful Fortune 500 career, fulfilled my dream to work abroad, traveled to five of the seven continents – from the Pyramids to the Great Barrier Reef. Beyond travel and work, I have given back to organizations that support child abuse prevention. My greatest achievement is my family. I am married, 13 years, to the most wonderful and supportive husband and we have an eight year-old son who’s our joy. My message is for millions of young persons being abused: The life you are born to does not have to define you!
Looking back at my childhood... my family lived in a middle class town near Chicago. I was nearly two when my mom married my adopted father. On their honeymoon, he knocked out my mother’s front teeth - from that point forward a life of abuse ensued. From the time I can remember, I’d spend hours hiding under tables, calling 911 and running away to avoid being hurt.
When they finally divorced about eight years later, things still didn’t improve. My mother turned to prescription pills and a new form of abuse and neglect took over. Her favorite form of torture was her disappearing act – leaving us to wonder if she was dead or alive. When she was home, she used threats and humiliation to maintain her authority. I never felt safe – I was living a nightmare!
My first "aha" moment came in middle school: I remember that day like a scene from a movie: walking down a street near my home after another tumultuous battle with my mother. "This life will not define me! I will not become these monsters!" The fight was over going to see the same psychologist who had prescribed so many pills to my mother that she had become an addict. I refused to go to the psychologist who previously tried to convince me that all the abuse my sister and I experienced was our own fault! How preposterous! In an effort to have some control over my life, I started fighting back.
My world began to include drinking and fighting. I was concerned I was becoming like these monsters I lived among. While the details of my childhood are sometimes fuzzy, I was always trying to escape my hell. During that time, I often watched Oprah on TV. She became my only role model as a successful adult from an abusive family. As many survivors have experienced, I had my challenges and my champions or as Oprah might say my “angels.” I found myself drifting from one friend’s home to another where I found kindness and support. I remember one friend’s mother, a practicing psychologist, took me in and used behavioral psychology to give me some tools and techniques to help transform my mental models.
When I was 16 came Aha #2: I realized I had to get away from my destructive home environment. At this point, I was in a halfway home, fearing I was heading for foster care when I found another advocate – a lawyer who helped me pursue a lawsuit against my mother to become an emancipated minor. We ended up negotiating control of my mother's share of my child support, which gave me more control of my finances and my life.
Still at home and struggling, I dropped out of school. My high school guidance counselor refused to give up on me. He worked with me to ensure I completed high school through an adult education program that led to a full degree, got me into an associates program and helped me on my way to a full university program. One very important lesson I learned was to grasp the hands of the “angels” put in my life to guide and mentor me.
Aha #3 at Valparaiso University: In college, I found my voice and some sense of self-esteem. I joined a sorority, which provided me with new role models and positive social norms. I worked for IBM and in the university computer labs to help pay for school and build my resume. I spent as much time absorbing the positive social culture as learning in the classroom.
Aha #4, when I was 21: At a job fair in Chicago, I interviewed with Bell Atlantic (the predecessor to Verizon). Once a week for the next three months, I called the hiring manager to see if he had made a decision. If he wasn't going to hire me, I wanted to know why. In the end, I landed the job. He was impressed with my initiative and follow-through. Within 6 months that office closed and my job moved to New Jersey. I had to move with very little money in my pocket; so I spent the first months squatting in a friend’s apartment without hot water or heat. I managed to get through that year, finding an apartment, creating friendships and negotiating a move to Washington, DC. I had gotten skilled at taking risks and asking for what I wanted.
In my new position, I entered Bell Atlantic’s Engineering Program as the only woman among an all-male team of systems engineers working on a multi-million dollar contract to modernize the federal government’s telecommunications and network systems. I carved out opportunities to manage a team and learn contract management. The ability to manage my destiny became very important to me. I left Verizon at the height of the Internet development to work abroad. After three years, I returned to Verizon to help launch an affiliate to sell data network services under a federal mandate. Over the last 25 years, I’ve held a variety of progressive roles from sales to engineering to contract management and negotiations and currently manage a reporting team that supports approximately $1 Billion in services.
Climbing through the business world, I still struggled with fear of the voices in my head – wondering: “Am I worthy? Am I a fraud? Am I safe?” I was able to portray a "persona" of confidence – I’d gone to private school, summer camps and an expensive private university – this “persona” helped me propel forward and find success in the workplace. In fact, those same qualities that kept me fighting for my life as a young child became the very tools that helped me strive to be successful in a career in technology dominated by men.
While proud of my career success, my greatest sense of accomplishment has come outside the office. With the help of a strong friends’ network, I’ve led multiple events to raise money for SCAN (Stop Child Abuse Now). In 1999, I presented a proposal to SCAN to host the end of the millennium New Year’s Eve Party at the Torpedo Factory in Old Town Alexandria. While other events folded, we exceeded our fundraising goal by 300% and our ticket sales by 70%.
It turned out to be quite the memorable evening – with a marriage proposal launching the next transformation in my life. Because of my past, I have to admit I had never really seen myself being married. Thirteen years later, I’m absolutely still in love, and thrilled to be the mother of a wonderful 8-year old son. I realize I have an opportunity to show him a life and love I never thought I could find for myself and create a safe sanctuary for him.
Aha #5 our society STILL has work to do to prevent child abuse: I put my son into private school. When he started acting out, I discovered that his teacher had been abusive. I experienced what it feels like to go into a blind rage. I wanted to cause her pain, but of course I maintained restraint. I wouldn't go back there to “that place in my life!" I immediately transferred him to another school, where he is safe. It is concerning that too many upper and middle class parents falsely believe that abuse and neglect "does not happen here,” when actually it does!
As I look back on life, I see both the joys and the misery I experienced as things that built me into the person I am today. I’ve learned to be proud of my accomplishments and of the frightened child I carry with me in my heart. I am a survivor. They did not win.
I hope to share with the millions of children living with abuse that there is hope: you can achieve dream and your life can become abuse free. There are “angels” waiting to help you. My transformation has not ended. It is my dream to help others who may be experiencing the abuse and self-doubt from which I started and to help steer them toward self-reliance and success.