The Hot Mommas Project Case Study Competition - Women in Business Balancing Work and Life

Elisa M. Medina
What Would You Tell The You of 20 Years Ago?

Introduction

She listened intently to the question posed and thought she would certainly have a lot to share with her 27 year old self. "What would the current 47 year old you tell the you of 20 years ago?" She thought her brain would just simply burst, it swirled with so much to say to her old self. The first thing that came to her mind was all the regrets and her advice on how to avoid the things that caused the regrets: don't ever doubt your abilities, stay true to your passions, take those stupid career matching tests, and don't ever ever put your head in the sand about your finances! But then came the guilt, because she had also heard that one shouldn't regret decisions made, because they were supposed to all be a part of life's learning. Blah blah blah. But then her brain jumped to saving others the pain, even if she couldn't save herself from it. She thought motherhood and career and money and holding on to herself for dear life just shouldn't have been so hard. For her, the ambitious, career-longing part of herself self got squashed somewhere along the way. How it happened, she couldn't quite put her finger on. She still ended up doing cool things with her life; she just never quite learned how to strategize to make that part happen in a thoughtful, organized way. She was good, but she could have been great. Maybe it wasn't too late?

Background

She wanted to be a writer or an anthropologist. She would spin the globe and look up the places she found in the smelly old encyclopedia on her parents' bookshelf. She was the youngest of four, but liked being in charge and felt ambitious, curious and downright fascinated with all of life. In 6^th grade she wrote and directed a play that her whole class performed. She may have breathed life into that play, but it breathed joy into her life too. On her exchange student application in high school, she implored them to send her to a crazy bizarre place and she went to Thailand for a summer. But through all of this, she was still writing what her name looked like next to the last names of boys she had crushes on. She still wrote fantasy names of the girls she planned to give birth to. At the core, she was an experience-seeking jumble-of-a-person with this big mush of emotion-drive inside of her. She seemed to have the curse of being maternal and ambitious and it took her years to figure out that these would often be pitted against each other.

Her parents thought sociology or anthropology was a waste of time to study in college. After significant floundering, she majored in economics because it was practical and there were enough courses that interested her. Afterwards, she worked in DC and NY and taught for a year in Brazil. She got her Master's in Social Work, finally getting something more in line with her values and professional interests. She got her first job as a social worker, got married and was pregnant all in a six month time span. She juggled part-time work through kids #1 and #2 and threw in the work towel after #3 and her husband's job relocation. Due to some faulty maternal gene that created an irrational desire, she tried one last-ditch effort at having a girl. None of this happened of course, without a healthy dose of guilt, for wanting to create a new life to fulfill some deep-seated need for a daughter. The comeuppance was obvious: twin boys just to show her that she certainly wasn't in charge!

The next five years were pure survival mode, where she felt that she was on the edge of cracking up. There was early menopause, migraines, endless caretaking, meals and laundry. There was the day she took the phone, shut herself in her closet, called her husband and calmly said "come home right now or I'm out of here". There was the encounter at the grocery store with wailing twins in the cart….seeing a neighbor who herself had twins and desperately asking her when it would get better. "Oh, by the time they're four you should have your sanity back." By four?? She had no clue if she could last that long. Some of her favorite comments from well-meaning folk: "you weren't really trying for a girl, were you?" Or, "you've got yourself your own basketball team". And her personal favorite, "my you have your hands full!" DUH!

Professional issue

A highly ambitious woman, Elisa had a challenging time reconciling that fact with her notion of what it meant to be a good mother. She lacked mentors who could have shown her how to be professionally savvy and successful and be a satisfied, loving and sane, non-multitasking mother. She saw the lack of flexibility in the workplace, the expense and confusion of emotions around childcare and decided it would be too much of a sacrifice on her family to enter that world. She knew in her heart there was a lack of political, cultural and economic support for mothers who did paid work outside the home or unpaid work inside of it for that matter. She was tired of the abundance of rhetoric about motherhood and tired of having to do the financial calculations about whether it would be "worth it" to go back to work. Her definition of a good mother was simply a mess of personal, societal and cultural expectations, difficult to tease out. And either she didn't ask the right questions or didn't find appropriate role models to help her hash out these issues. Discussions with her husband ended up being more like fights than insightful dialogues or let's-figure-this-out-together sessions. And so they stayed unresolved and she stayed unhappy for a long time. She didn't see the ramifications for all the years out of the workforce....on her self-esteem, on the equality of her marriage, on their finances, and strangely, on the pleasure and enjoyment of raising children. Years later, she would wonder, "why didn't anyone tell me?" "Why did I feel so alone in a world of so many mothers?"

Personal issue

Just like the "personal is political", for Elisa, her personal issues were deeply intertwined with her professional issues. Her personal challenges....stresses and strains in the marriage over expectations, gender roles and finances, feelings of deep love for the children while experiencing feelings of resentment, all seemed to go hand-in-hand with her confusion as to how she could best contribute to the world. For her, work meant passion, fulfillment, making things better in the world for someone. She never liked that quote "no one on their deathbed ever wished they had spent more time at the office". Not because it's unreasonable to limit yourself from overwork, but because if your work was truly of passion and commitment, then why wouldn't you be satisfied with the contribution you made? Why wouldn't you be happy if your passion was your work as a mother, or as an inventor or fixer of a problem? For Elisa, after finally returning full-time to the paid workforce, she discovered that this spilled over into improving many of her personal challenges. Right or wrong, her husband felt her financial contribution took a weight off of his shoulders and he began to act in ways that equalized things around the home front. Despite her anger about the lack of recognition of her years of hard unpaid work at home (by her own husband no less!) she couldn't deny that she liked that he was cooking more and taking more initiative with the kids.

She's not exactly sure where she's going professionally, but she has a sneaky feeling that it's going to be good. She's looking forward to what will unfold. The new question is: "What would the 67 year old future me have to say to the current me?" This one came easy.

"I'm SO proud of all that you've done these last 20 years! What a contribution you've made to your family and to the world. And aren't you glad you never had that girl? Look what you would have missed!"

Question 1	In the case study, Elisa reflects on what advice she would give her younger self. At the end, she imagines herself 20 years into the future. In this way, she becomes sort of a mentor to herself. Spend a few quiet moments thinking about your own life 20 years into the future, then answer the following questions: • What does your future self most remember about the last 20 years? • What do you need to be most aware of to get you from where you are now to where your future self is? What would be the most helpful thing for you to know now? • How could reflecting backwards and forwards be helpful to you? Have you ever done this before and if not, why not? Do you think it’s possible to be a mentor to yourself?
Question 2	Elisa wishes she had thought more about the financial implications of having so many children. She had heard ballpark figures of what it takes to raise a child, but this was too vague for her and didn’t translate into what it would actually take on a week to week basis. Interview someone who has a child and get exactly what it costs in a typical week for that child. Depending on the child’s age, there will be different expenses. There could be childcare, medical, athletic and activity fees, birthday party gifts, food, clothing, etc. Calculate what income you would need to cover these expenses, as well as the other expenses such as housing, utilities, clothing, transportation, loans, etc. Discuss how your parents handled the topic of money and relate this to how you handle money now. If you’re in a relationship, how is money discussed?
Question 3	Why do you think Elisa never had much of a professional strategy for herself? Was it because of her personality, or because she wasn’t taught how to formulate one? What were some cultural/societal factors that may have prevented her from creating one? What do you think her professional strategy from this point forward should be? Where do you think her talents could best be utilized in the work world? What are the specific steps that she could take to help her gain the experience she might need to make the greatest impact professionally? What is your own professional strategy? If you don’t have one, why do you think that is?
Question 4	Interview someone from another culture and ask them to compare and contrast American mothers with mothers of their culture. For example, do they think American mothers experience more guilt when it comes to leaving their children to work than other mothers around the world? Do they think American working mothers have it easier or harder than those in their culture? Spend some time researching the following policies of one other country: maternity and paternity benefits (paid or unpaid, length, etc.,) state-funded childcare or vouchers for private childcare, flexible work options (reduced hours, flex time, telecommuting, etc.) Compare the policies of this country to those of the U.S.
Question 5	Elisa found that through much of her marriage, her husband felt that since he made more money than she did, he was entitled to do less on the homefront. What larger cultural and economic forces are in play to make her husband believe that it’s okay to have an unequal distribution of responsibilities and chores at home just because they earn different amounts? Do you know anyone else who has experienced this? What can be done to combat this? Statistically, how much less do American mothers earn than American fathers? Why do you think there is such a disparity?

Notes

I followed my instincts with my professional and personal life, but lacked a clear overall strategy for my life.  I never knew I needed one!  Sure, I had plenty of discussions about what I wanted to do with my life, but I never really thought things through in the long term.  I wish I had read the book 10-10-10 which talks about making decisions based on clearly looking at the consequences in 10 minutes, in 10 months and then in 10 years.  This had never occurred to me before!  Why didn’t I have a plan for my long term financial goals?  Did I think my husband was going to do it?  
As soon as child #1 was born, I decided to work part-time.  This decision was made from my gut.  But I wonder, was it really because I wanted to be home more with my son or was it because I felt guilty leaving him in childcare?  It’s hard now to discern exactly what it was.  The interesting thing about my decision to work part-time was that it really didn’t involve my husband.  How rude was that?  I just told him it was what I wanted to do.  We had no discussion about the financial or professional career implications this would have, not to mention how this would catapult our marriage into polarized traditional male-female roles. 
After becoming a mother, my experience of time permanently changed.  I no longer considered time mine.  Even if I was relaxing, giving myself a much needed rest, time wasn’t really mine.  My child was an intruder into it, and he didn’t even need to be present for me to feel it.  His sheer existence altered my perception of it.  And it wasn’t his fault, poor thing.  I wanted a child.  I just wished someone had warned me.  
I felt pulled, confused, guilty and even resentful.   I felt like I was a good enough mother, but was shocked about how I felt swallowed up by the sheer enormity of it all (and that was just with one child!)
I felt disappointed that our baby wasn't a girl and felt tremendous guilt about the stupidity of that.
By the time our oldest was two, we had baby #2.  I went back to work full time for a short stint and hated being gone so long.  Again, in looking back, I wasn’t sure if it was that I missed them so much or that I felt that I wasn't supposed to be away from them so long.  
I found out fairly quickly that my husband was forgetful about picking the kids up from daycare on time and that he was surprisingly traditional about the roles that we would take at home.  I found out that money was extremely difficult to talk about with him and that since I didn't make as much as he did, that he thought his job was more important than mine.  I coped by putting my head in the sand about our finances, hoping that he would handle it all so that we just wouldn't fight about it.
Around this time, I turned a scrapbooking hobby into a home-based business.  I found a creative outlet and enjoyed the entrepreneurial aspects of having my own business.  I never made much money at it though and this was a constant source of stress for my husband.
We had child # 3  two years later and I cried when I found out it was another boy.  More guilt.  
At this point, I quit working altogether because I felt overwhelmed with it all.   I followed my husband to another state for a job transfer and then followed him right back a few years later.  People would say all the time “appreciate this time, because before you know it, they’ll be all grown up!”  I was more bored and frustrated than appreciative.  But being a joiner and a doer, I did a gzillion things with the kids…. hikes, library outings, playgroups, etc. and sure had some fun with them along the way.
I bugged my husband enough and he agreed to try one last time for that girl....that longed-for daughter.  We did not discuss how we would make ends meet financially on one income.  
We had the sonogram on a hot August day.  The date is actually seared in my memory forever.  Twin boys.  No discussion, just pure laughter and tears at the absurdity of it all.  
I stayed home with the boys and did my scrapbooking business on the side.  I got easily distracted though and could never figure out how women managed to get anything done, let alone work, with their kids afoot.  I didn’t have kids who could just sit and be quiet while their mommy was on the phone.  
Around this time I remember a conversation I had about the demanding nature of toddlers.  The other woman said “what did you expect?”  I gave that question a lot of thought and I guess the answer was that I had no idea what to expect with kids.  For goodness sakes, I even studied child development in grad school, how did I not have more realistic expectations??
When all 5 boys were in school all day, all I can say is that I felt pure freedom and pleasure and release.  I felt like I could breathe again.
I spent some time winding down my scrapbooking business and getting all the paperwork together to renew my professional social work license.  This transition was full of mourning however as I felt I was giving up years of building this business.  But my heart just wasn’t in it anymore and I wanted to re-ignite some of my own professional passions.  Plus, I was tired of not earning a whole lot.
It turned out to be a whirlwind couple of years.  My husband and kids really couldn’t keep track where I was on any given day given my myriad of part-time jobs.  I worked for a stint in our local ER doing psychiatric evals.  I taught psychology at our local community college.  I worked at Johns Hopkins seeing faculty, employees and grad students.  I did employee mediations and sexual harassment and drug and alcohol awareness trainings for local companies.  I also got very involved in our local human resource society and became the chair of the diversity committee.  All the while doing about 2 days a week as a therapist in private practice.   
Most of my friends and family thought I was nuts for doing so many different things and looked at me as completely ADD.  But it turns out, according to H

Links to sites relevant to your case

1	The Motherhood Manifesto
2	Sloan Work and Family Research
3	10-10-10
4	Wroking Identity
5	The Washington Post/Petula Dvo

Your typical daily schedule

From	To	Doing What	Business/Personal
6:00am	6:00am	getting ready or work and getting the kids ready for school	Personal
7:30am	7:30am	working	Business
4:00pm	4:00pm	making dinner, driving the kids to various activities, helping with homework, getting kids ready for bed, maybe watching some tv with them	Personal
10:00pm	10:00pm	reading, relaxing, getting ready for the next day, collapsing	Personal

Question 1	In the case study, Elisa reflects on what advice she would give her younger self. At the end, she imagines herself 20 years into the future. In this way, she becomes sort of a mentor to herself. Spend a few quiet moments thinking about your own life 20 years into the future, then answer the following questions: • What does your future self most remember about the last 20 years? • What do you need to be most aware of to get you from where you are now to where your future self is? What would be the most helpful thing for you to know now? • How could reflecting backwards and forwards be helpful to you? Have you ever done this before and if not, why not? Do you think it’s possible to be a mentor to yourself?
Note 1	Intent: I ask this question because I think that we can often find the answers to our questions within ourselves if we just give ourselves the quiet space to do so. And looking forward to a future self can help us visualize our lives and steer us in the direction we want to go. Insider’s perspective: I once attended a training where the instructor had us do a visualization of our future selves. It was insightful to ask myself about some of my current concerns and to actually listen for the advice. It was kind of a mind-blowing experience and I have used it numerous times since. I still like to seek out mentors and advice from those more experienced, but I’m realizing that I’m pretty much the best expert on me around.
Question 2	Elisa wishes she had thought more about the financial implications of having so many children. She had heard ballpark figures of what it takes to raise a child, but this was too vague for her and didn’t translate into what it would actually take on a week to week basis. Interview someone who has a child and get exactly what it costs in a typical week for that child. Depending on the child’s age, there will be different expenses. There could be childcare, medical, athletic and activity fees, birthday party gifts, food, clothing, etc. Calculate what income you would need to cover these expenses, as well as the other expenses such as housing, utilities, clothing, transportation, loans, etc. Discuss how your parents handled the topic of money and relate this to how you handle money now. If you’re in a relationship, how is money discussed?
Note 2	Intent: I ask this question simply because the answers will help inform decisions about whether or not to have a family. One may be willing to forgo some level of financial comfort or even stability for the unbelievable experience of raising a child. Or it may help someone decide to earn a certain income before embarking on parenthood. No matter what outcome, it will allow for eyes-wide-open discussion and decision-making. Insider’s perspective: My husband and I continue to struggle with having non-emotional and productive financial conversations. The sheer number of expenses with raising five children never ceases to amaze us. The busyness of our lives, plus childhood and marital baggage complicate this whole process of us getting a handle on our finances. The whole thing hasn’t been easy and it continues to be a work in progress.
Question 3	Why do you think Elisa never had much of a professional strategy for herself? Was it because of her personality, or because she wasn’t taught how to formulate one? What were some cultural/societal factors that may have prevented her from creating one? What do you think her professional strategy from this point forward should be? Where do you think her talents could best be utilized in the work world? What are the specific steps that she could take to help her gain the experience she might need to make the greatest impact professionally? What is your own professional strategy? If you don’t have one, why do you think that is?
Note 3	Intent: I pose these questions to get the students thinking about why a strategy is important in the first place. I want them to formulate the steps that I could take given what they know of my background and personality. I also want to know how they see society’s role in shaping people’s lives. Then I want them to bring it down to a personal level and explore their own strategy and if it’s not there, what barriers have prevented them from formulating one. Insider’s Perspective: It’s taken me over 40 years to realize the importance of having long-term goals! But as I get older, “long-term” is no longer as long-term. Nonetheless, my main professional goal is to have a positive impact on women’s lives. I’m trying to stay open to all the possibilities, but also want to stay focused, and not flounder the way I have in the past.
Question 4	Interview someone from another culture and ask them to compare and contrast American mothers with mothers of their culture. For example, do they think American mothers experience more guilt when it comes to leaving their children to work than other mothers around the world? Do they think American working mothers have it easier or harder than those in their culture? Spend some time researching the following policies of one other country: maternity and paternity benefits (paid or unpaid, length, etc.,) state-funded childcare or vouchers for private childcare, flexible work options (reduced hours, flex time, telecommuting, etc.) Compare the policies of this country to those of the U.S.
Note 4	Intent: Over the last 17 years of being a mother, I’ve been floored by the lack of knowledge most of us have of how other mothers around the world live. Do they experience the same challenges as we do? Do they feel the same feelings? Americans have this tendency to assume that the rest of the world is just like us. My goal in asking these questions is to get students thinking about life outside our borders. What policies are in place that we could consider adopting here to make life easier for mothers and their families? Insider’s Perspective: My own personal experiences with other cultures has helped me to see that some of my struggles as a mother were not just because of my personality, but because of larger societal issues existing in our country. My desire is to begin a blog where I can interview mothers from other countries so that American mothers can compare their experiences and learn about different ways of doing things.
Question 5	Elisa found that through much of her marriage, her husband felt that since he made more money than she did, he was entitled to do less on the homefront. What larger cultural and economic forces are in play to make her husband believe that it’s okay to have an unequal distribution of responsibilities and chores at home just because they earn different amounts? Do you know anyone else who has experienced this? What can be done to combat this? Statistically, how much less do American mothers earn than American fathers? Why do you think there is such a disparity?
Note 5	Intent: For all our beliefs in modern equality, the nitty-gritty reality of mothering means that old notions and traditional gender beliefs may bubble up. I ask these questions to help young women see that if they become mothers, they’ll need to be vigilant about addressing gender issues in the relationship. Insider’s Perspective: I was blown away by my husband’s traditional beliefs. He not so much verbalized them, but his behavior spoke them. He wasn’t a bad guy, they just kind of took over instinctually after our first child was born. I spent quite a bit of time being angry at him for what felt like backward, Neanderthal thinking. I certainly don’t expect to stop challenging him anytime soon, but now I try to be more understanding of the larger culture in which we live and how he’s really just doing the best he can.

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